I am so tired of feeling left out and let down. When can I have peace for myself? As I sit here at nearly 3 am on Christmas Eve, my wife whom has become ever more abusive, explosive and disturbed is asleep. All I wanted from her for Christmas was a brighter attitude, instead it is worse. The sad part about it is she knows that. Eventually something is going to break, I hope it isn't her. I have a son going on his third Christmas. I have never gotten to wake up with him on Christmas morning and see the joy "Santa" is supposed to bring.
I can honestly say that if suicide was a viable option for me I would not even be typing this. Death must be better when it has actually happened then it is when you just feel that way inside your soul!
I am less than you, I am mortal. I will never live on after my eyes have closed for the last time. I will rot just as a tree that has fallen.
When I started to blog I had a grandiose idea that I would do it daily. I believed that if I confessed something that I have never shared that it would somehow help me to grow. It would make me less apt to wallow in my own self pity. So for 2010 I am going to attempt to blog daily even if it is a simple confession.
I have to give credit to whomever created the graphic. I found it on multiple sites so assume that is open for use. Thank You.
This Christmas is just like everything else within my life a let down. I let myself down though. But i never have ever left someone out. I have never intentionally attempted to make some one feel inferior or lucky and I would never lie about something being mine.
As I sat before you and tried to rationalize that it was my fault fo your deception, I grew weary of you. As I confronted my own demons, I grew weary of myself. I now know that is only within me to make a difference for me, do you? In a supposed sorta way I get all the things you say to me. I suppose though that no one has a right to a variance in opinion. The future can be limitless or you can be bound to your past. The decision is yours. A single man can move many small rocks singularly, but it takes a team to move them all at once.
I hate my sad pathetic Christmas. Fuck Christmas I have never been more suicidal then this time of year. It comes like a plague. It wants to eat you alive. It thirsts for all of your money and hard work and will have its fill. Christmas will give way to a new year. It will too pass, as Christmas comes again to rape you of all emotion and happiness.
Confession----
My wife saved my life.
