Chantix. Day one. Ready to quit.

	Chantix. Day one. Ready to quit.

Sitting in ky. Life sucks. Confession

	Sitting in ky. Life sucks. Confession - I want to run away with him. I wont because I know he I got caught I would never see him again.

Happy new year. No confession.

	Happy new year. No confession.

Fuck This Christmas Bullshit.

I am so tired of feeling left out and let down. When can I have peace for myself? As I sit here at nearly 3 am on Christmas Eve, my wife whom has become ever more abusive, explosive and disturbed is asleep. All I wanted from her for Christmas was a brighter attitude, instead it is worse. The sad part about it is she knows that. Eventually something is going to break, I hope it isn't her.

I have a son going on his third Christmas. I have never gotten to wake up with him on Christmas morning and see the joy "Santa" is supposed to bring.

I can honestly say that if suicide was a viable option for me I would not even be typing this. Death must be better when it has actually happened then it is when you just feel that way inside your soul!

I am less than you, I am mortal. I will never live on after my eyes have closed for the last time. I will rot just as a tree that has fallen.

When I started to blog I had a grandiose idea that I would do it daily. I believed that if I confessed something that I have never shared that it would somehow help me to grow. It would make me less apt to wallow in my own self pity. So for 2010 I am going to attempt to blog daily even if it is a simple confession.

I have to give credit to whomever created the graphic. I found it on multiple sites so assume that is open for use. Thank You.

This Christmas is just like everything else within my life a let down. I let myself down though. But i never have ever left someone out. I have never intentionally attempted to make some one feel inferior or lucky and I would never lie about something being mine.

As I sat before you and tried to rationalize that it was my fault fo your deception, I grew weary of you. As I confronted my own demons, I grew weary of myself. I now know that is only within me to make a difference for me, do you? In a supposed sorta way I get all the things you say to me. I suppose though that no one has a right to a variance in opinion. The future can be limitless or you can be bound to your past. The decision is yours. A single man can move many small rocks singularly, but it takes a team to move them all at once.

I hate my sad pathetic Christmas. Fuck Christmas I have never been more suicidal then this time of year. It comes like a plague. It wants to eat you alive. It thirsts for all of your money and hard work and will have its fill. Christmas will give way to a new year. It will too pass, as Christmas comes again to rape you of all emotion and happiness.

Confession----

My wife saved my life.

4.17.2009

A Fleeting Response to An Un Asked Question.

So no one ever asked me and I never answered.

I didn't lead on that you should have,

I did however desire for you too.

As much as I would LOVE to be the hero to be the bearer and to be the savior, I know I am not going to be. I am tired though of seeing so much hypocrisy going on. Don,t make my children pray in school, seperate church and state. Ban abortion, don't seperate church and state.

I in my non infinite wisdom must be the only one left who recognizes that this country was founded by religious people who wanted the government to be so far away from religion they demanded it in the constitution. If I may they used that and unlawful taxation as their main reason for seperating from the church state of England. I don't know I am stupid. 

Then there is always the religious wing nut who spews forth with God's devinity and planning. I am confused if god plans everything out with finite details does He not kinow that these abotions are happening. Also who the fuck are you to stand in Gods way and disrupt his plan for that abortion?

Get a grip.

Confession

I am anti abortion.  

3.26.09

A troubled mind.

I am burdened by the carry-over, the triumph of not.

Secondary only to my hurt is my pain.

Primarily abused by my own self worthlessness.

Fretting that I am encompassed by the lack of tribute.

Incisions leave wounds, no matter how surgical and precise.

Gashing at my heart and raging thru- out my veins.

Mourning the loss of a son, that is alive this very day.

I am not knowing.

I am suffer.

I am not forgotten.

I am left to stray.

I am the manipulation.

I am defeat.

I am what you need me to be.

I am unwilling.

I am alone.

I am horrified.

I am unknown.

I am covered.

I am lies.

I am the truth, you buried alive.

Emotional disturbances in my sleep.

I am the beast, without release.

I am hidden.

I am present.

Oft misrepresented.

Social exclusion.

Your noise pollution.

I can not forgive.

I can not stand up.

I can not rise.

I am not tough.

The collasped soul, like a supernova, sucks me in.

I am your failure, your corruption, your sin.

I am lust.

I am crushed.

I am not on my knees.

I will not beg and you must not plead.

I can not forgive you for her immoral deeds.

I am ethics.

Principle.

I flow up.

My heart sinks down.

Truly undieing affection.

I am in need of ressurecting.

A fluid mistake.

Better not at all.

I am collapsing.

You don't care at all.

I reach out and you laugh and sing.

I am me, half dead in the grave.

We can't see with troubled eyes.

We can not see what we deny.

Faith forbidden, my mortal endeavours.

Shutter me.

Cover me. 

Box me up, replace me.

I am a malfunction. 

I am your disgrace.

I will not forever.

I will not translate.

Smeared.

Restrained.

Murderous pain.

I am water.

Left stagnant, with no drain.

The Confession.

I know sometimes its a move on and let go.

I know that I must not bring the agony and remorse into something new.

I can't not Love her.I can't not do things for here.

I am scared that if I do she'll be just like the other.

The C.

2 19 09

one of the most hurtful days in my life came when i called her. i knew it had been years since we had spoke but i never thought she would completely forget who i am. i was so shocked by that and hurt that i cried a little bit. i keep all of her secrets from elementary school i hated her boyfriend in middle school, and in high school i never told her when her skirt was to little and everyone could see her little white cotton panties.

the confession.

when we lived in the same apartments together, and rode the bus together you sneezed. you had a snot train about a foot long and i told you not to worry about it. i even got you some kleenex after everyone got off so you could clean up the mess. you asked me not to tell anyone. i promised i wouldnt do so. i told you it wasnt a big deal and never mentioned it again.

 

the visual still makes me sick to my stomach today. 22 years later.

i love you

the confessor