12.15.08 Confession

Today is a new day full of new trials and reasons to deliberate. Fondling thoughts of anxiety and vague memories of a laughable moment.I am slowly drowning in my lack of motivation to plow her with her own mash of slights. I offer one and HATED without right.How dare she get mad when I say one thing and plans change. How can she tell me plans change to much for her? How can she say these things when her plans change? I am not supposed to care.I am only a man. I have never felt love this way. I dont know how to react. Popular concensus says though that a live in couple is a marriage without legality and when you choose to be involved you choose to bend and break. I am broken I have no bend left. So plans have to change.

Indefinitely I will respond in the method I have used for so long.Underminding the fact that this is going entirely against everything I know and have recently learned. I am determined to find the match . I am in need of a partner who is willing to play an unbeatable game with me. Because that is what life is, unbeatable. The thing that happens interestingly enough is that you can achieve a tied score, with the proper assistance. I am engrossed in trying to commit to the right conclusion in a decisive manner but am un clear as to what the finale will bring. I am petrified by the fact that as I sit and type this I am alone. I am terrified that when she stumbles upon this Ill become unknown. Thankfully though upon my departure I will be missed and heart will fill with sorrow. Pain will devour and hurt is enduring. Everlasting is the void that is neither refillable or healable that comes from losing the person who beyond all other things is loyal to the death for you.Losing the person that will stick it out thru all of your manipulations, transgressions and cowardness, the dishonesty.The backwards actions that you claim to have no regard for but you have so chosen to emulate those actions.These will be the lasting memory of your unwritten life. Ongoing and unshakeable and they will choke you slowly.The painful memory of how you examined me and the way you went about disecting me while I was still alive. It will caress your throat within a gentle grasp slowly surrounding and encapsulating whilst growing ever firmer. Then when you feel as though you can no longer breath, the pain will begin to grow and then as you lay down to sleep in the eternal darkness your heart will remain beating and continue to pump ice into your soul.


With each passing day I grow more fond of the expositions of my internal soul.I am relieved and in awe of the open nature of this freedom giving device that is truly a new age Confessional.

The Confessor.

12.10.08

i am sitting alone in my apartment. not entirely true the cat is present. i called my father today and i confessed to him that my girl is taking care of me and she is. i have a horrible job and pay more than 50 percent child support for one child. i dont know an address to mail him a letter but the state takes my money. i often cry when i am alone and no one knows this i cant control myself i try so hard to be sstrong but my exwife and current girlfriend have raped my heart and i am unsure just why i am deserving to even breathe. i regret ever compression of my chest. i have never wanted anything less than an idea family and i dont think i will ever have that im just a bad guy i guess. id love to one day by a rocket and fly it to the moon but it will never happen so i guess its time to stop reaching for the stars. i put an add up on craigslist for her and i know she reads them but she never emailed me on it i dont guess im doing a bad job hiding it. i love her more than i think i should and i want to make her my wife that should be my first clue......



so this is going to be my place to breathe and i will get it out and maybe it will lift all the way off my chest im tired of living two lifes one inside that is a broken tangled mess of a man and one thats outward and nothing more than a false shell of a broken crushed lost man.......