U know its love this time because it hurts so bad. I wish she knew how hard it is for me to know the things she has done and wonder about the things I don't know about. It seems as though she always has some sort of justification for her youthful actions and seems to bow so heavily to peer pressure. Am I controlling for not wanting the woman who I am scheduling a life with to go out all night like she is single. I can not fathom her reasoning to tell me that well if you were home you'd be with me but when I was at home she never had anywhere to go now every weekend its that or this. Sounds funny to you huh? Unfortunately she doesn't know that I am evolving. I wanted to be mean and scream but that's not me. Matt said I wasn't sure you were argueing until I heard her screaming you must be the calmest motherfucker I ever met. Its true if she won't listen at my calm Level why get all wound up and scream. She thinks I'm a pushover. I am not. Its only a moment away a light tug will tip it and I will be in my final phase. Disenfranchised is a good way to put it. I am not in need of much but I have to step up and say this is what I require and if I can't get it I have to move on. As she likes to put it time management. I am an old man and I want a woman who confers confides and Informs me that is just like her challenging sexual and most importantly beautiful. I struggle mainly with trying to weigh her goods and bads and seeing how the balance slides. Lately its even or heavy on the bad side. Why won't she just hear me? I contend that one day she will outgrow this selfish phase in her life and want to be settled which oft means you can't shit on your man to go be with your friends all night and when you say half an hour after the show no excuses its a half hour. I never want to separate her from her friends and believe she needs them. I just am no longer going to play second fiddle. I left that and now I don't get to see my kid. I expect certain things from people and have yet to find any 1 deserving. I want to build a child with her but I am fearful. I am scared she will turn into the first Kelly and up and leave on her kids which was partially my fault. Ill explain that another time. I am so regretful of so many of my actions and inactions that I can't sleep most times thankfully for me though I do have her and when she wraps her arm around me between my ears is silence. Its beautiful. To think that a simple touch can amass such a strong reaction and maintain such a kindness even when one if is is angry. I wish she wasn't so young and was ready. I truly love her with an unconditional stipulation and she will always and forever be the love of my life. "Hometowns have a way of changing people." Al Perkins said this to me. He offered me this solemn advice "slow your pace and visualize the end result, devour your surroundings within your mind and soul. Absorb the nature of the bird you are invisioning and see which direction it soars. If its coming at you catch it. If its glide leads it afar let it float and watch it fly. If you can't keep your eyes in tune with its path and your hearts don't beat together look away and seek it no more." I may have let this bird soar beyond my scope I can hear her heart but can't see the finale any longer and who is left to shoulder the blame.
4 years ago