What am i doing? What is my purpose? I am resolute, persistent, and worthy. I insist that I am nothing more than the deeply conflicted man I claimed to be.Even more so now. I am increasingly finding that you are not what you claimed to be. I am unsure as to the reason no the idea or impression rather. Thatyou gave me that your love was absolute. I am tried and I have been proven true. you are however sinking further into the guilt of who you truly are. Selfish men play the part of the used I have never seen it played so well by a woman. I have for so long been impressed by your status. I have for so long adored the self righteous. I am now however in a all too familiar position. I am so thoroughly disappointed with the current dilemma that is the vagrancy of my life. I am only holding on for more air because of you, compounded by the fact that I have a 2 year old son who will always think of me as a nothing and a nobody, because in fact that is what I am slowly becoming. Can you despise me as much as I despise myself. I look upon the looming wheel that is carrying the axe that is going to chop us apart and I face it. I face it without fear and with the knowledge that I held on for to long looking for too much and expecting something from someone who is incapable of giving it to me. I understood when I received you at CHI that I was failing myself yet another time. I hide so much from you and do so because I don't feel as though you are worthy of knowing how I am truly fading. How I have lost all confidence in your faithfulness, and could not be further away emotionally than I am now. I am forcefully pulling away and you do not want to hold on. Its marriage today and out of my car later in the evening. How can you say you love me? I see the way you smile when someone says HI to you. I see the look of disgust in your eyes when I tell you that your beautiful. Im so looking for the answers and I wish someone would hand me a magic key. I cannot unlock the wrongs you have bolted into my heart. I can not justify the agony of each kiss and the tremble in my bones I feel from the fear of I Love You. I wish I could just turn you off. I wanted to give you so much and I am in a tailspin. I am unsure of your actions or reasoning and am unsure of my reason for being. I am completely disturbed at this moment. I am so tired of hearing your garbage ass trash talk about yourself, and your so selfish threats to end it all. You are blind to what you really are and you are blind to those of us who would die a million horrific deaths and dismemberments just so that you would not have to know what pain truly is. I would love to have a family with the beautiful open minded easy going loyal girl that I first fell in love with. But she is lost to me. Albeit my fault Im sure, she has forever disappeared. I will never be able to see that in you again and that scares the hell out of me. I am considered by all that know me as a polite respectful loyal dude and I am considered by all that are jealous of me as a dry, cocky , disobedient savaunt who is inconsiderate and rude. I am whatever you need to make me out as. I am the finger man the fall guy the patsy. You can blame me, I will shoulder your guilt. I have practice from carrying my own. I consider myself to be worthless, disfunctional, unfounded, caged, forward, progressive, misunderstood. I feel envied because I dont let it hold me back. I feel vibrant when I just say what I feel. I am principled and ethical and am progressive. I dont always agree with status- quo and will never beleive that you have to fall in line with the 90 percent of americans that do. Revolution and change has always been brought by the minority and I am calling for a rise against the accepted and no matter how futile it is I live with myself, and I cant do that knowing that I shut my mouth and changed my way of thinking and turned into an automaton.Ants live a directed scripted life. I am not an insect. I will say what I am feeling and give my opinion and if you dont like it, give me yours. And if i dont like it then guess what you stupid motherfucker we have different opinions. It doesnt make me fucking better or lesser than you. It just means we god damn disagree. I am ranting and I am sorry. Im malnourished in the conversation department because we cant have intellectual stimulating talks without you turning it into something bad. I am physically disconnected from you. I am so far emotionally gone that I am considering making another huge mistake. I can not afford to do so. I want for you so badly to be the mother I know you will be, I want nothing more than for you to realize your beauty. You are my hero undoubtedly. I am pressed to move on.
I am sleeping on the couch tonight of my own valition, so that maybe you will realize that which is looming so close to your neck.