Fuck This Christmas Bullshit.

I am so tired of feeling left out and let down. When can I have peace for myself? As I sit here at nearly 3 am on Christmas Eve, my wife whom has become ever more abusive, explosive and disturbed is asleep. All I wanted from her for Christmas was a brighter attitude, instead it is worse. The sad part about it is she knows that. Eventually something is going to break, I hope it isn't her.

I have a son going on his third Christmas. I have never gotten to wake up with him on Christmas morning and see the joy "Santa" is supposed to bring.

I can honestly say that if suicide was a viable option for me I would not even be typing this. Death must be better when it has actually happened then it is when you just feel that way inside your soul!

I am less than you, I am mortal. I will never live on after my eyes have closed for the last time. I will rot just as a tree that has fallen.

When I started to blog I had a grandiose idea that I would do it daily. I believed that if I confessed something that I have never shared that it would somehow help me to grow. It would make me less apt to wallow in my own self pity. So for 2010 I am going to attempt to blog daily even if it is a simple confession.

I have to give credit to whomever created the graphic. I found it on multiple sites so assume that is open for use. Thank You.

This Christmas is just like everything else within my life a let down. I let myself down though. But i never have ever left someone out. I have never intentionally attempted to make some one feel inferior or lucky and I would never lie about something being mine.

As I sat before you and tried to rationalize that it was my fault fo your deception, I grew weary of you. As I confronted my own demons, I grew weary of myself. I now know that is only within me to make a difference for me, do you? In a supposed sorta way I get all the things you say to me. I suppose though that no one has a right to a variance in opinion. The future can be limitless or you can be bound to your past. The decision is yours. A single man can move many small rocks singularly, but it takes a team to move them all at once.

I hate my sad pathetic Christmas. Fuck Christmas I have never been more suicidal then this time of year. It comes like a plague. It wants to eat you alive. It thirsts for all of your money and hard work and will have its fill. Christmas will give way to a new year. It will too pass, as Christmas comes again to rape you of all emotion and happiness.

Confession----

My wife saved my life.

4.17.2009

A Fleeting Response to An Un Asked Question.

So no one ever asked me and I never answered.

I didn't lead on that you should have,

I did however desire for you too.

As much as I would LOVE to be the hero to be the bearer and to be the savior, I know I am not going to be. I am tired though of seeing so much hypocrisy going on. Don,t make my children pray in school, seperate church and state. Ban abortion, don't seperate church and state.

I in my non infinite wisdom must be the only one left who recognizes that this country was founded by religious people who wanted the government to be so far away from religion they demanded it in the constitution. If I may they used that and unlawful taxation as their main reason for seperating from the church state of England. I don't know I am stupid. 

Then there is always the religious wing nut who spews forth with God's devinity and planning. I am confused if god plans everything out with finite details does He not kinow that these abotions are happening. Also who the fuck are you to stand in Gods way and disrupt his plan for that abortion?

Get a grip.

Confession

I am anti abortion.  

3.26.09

A troubled mind.

I am burdened by the carry-over, the triumph of not.

Secondary only to my hurt is my pain.

Primarily abused by my own self worthlessness.

Fretting that I am encompassed by the lack of tribute.

Incisions leave wounds, no matter how surgical and precise.

Gashing at my heart and raging thru- out my veins.

Mourning the loss of a son, that is alive this very day.

I am not knowing.

I am suffer.

I am not forgotten.

I am left to stray.

I am the manipulation.

I am defeat.

I am what you need me to be.

I am unwilling.

I am alone.

I am horrified.

I am unknown.

I am covered.

I am lies.

I am the truth, you buried alive.

Emotional disturbances in my sleep.

I am the beast, without release.

I am hidden.

I am present.

Oft misrepresented.

Social exclusion.

Your noise pollution.

I can not forgive.

I can not stand up.

I can not rise.

I am not tough.

The collasped soul, like a supernova, sucks me in.

I am your failure, your corruption, your sin.

I am lust.

I am crushed.

I am not on my knees.

I will not beg and you must not plead.

I can not forgive you for her immoral deeds.

I am ethics.

Principle.

I flow up.

My heart sinks down.

Truly undieing affection.

I am in need of ressurecting.

A fluid mistake.

Better not at all.

I am collapsing.

You don't care at all.

I reach out and you laugh and sing.

I am me, half dead in the grave.

We can't see with troubled eyes.

We can not see what we deny.

Faith forbidden, my mortal endeavours.

Shutter me.

Cover me. 

Box me up, replace me.

I am a malfunction. 

I am your disgrace.

I will not forever.

I will not translate.

Smeared.

Restrained.

Murderous pain.

I am water.

Left stagnant, with no drain.

The Confession.

I know sometimes its a move on and let go.

I know that I must not bring the agony and remorse into something new.

I can't not Love her.I can't not do things for here.

I am scared that if I do she'll be just like the other.

The C.

2 19 09

one of the most hurtful days in my life came when i called her. i knew it had been years since we had spoke but i never thought she would completely forget who i am. i was so shocked by that and hurt that i cried a little bit. i keep all of her secrets from elementary school i hated her boyfriend in middle school, and in high school i never told her when her skirt was to little and everyone could see her little white cotton panties.

the confession.

when we lived in the same apartments together, and rode the bus together you sneezed. you had a snot train about a foot long and i told you not to worry about it. i even got you some kleenex after everyone got off so you could clean up the mess. you asked me not to tell anyone. i promised i wouldnt do so. i told you it wasnt a big deal and never mentioned it again.

 

the visual still makes me sick to my stomach today. 22 years later.

i love you

the confessor

1.29.09

the terrible truth is i am knowingly participating in my own self destruction. i have acknowledged that i am hindering my own progress and grasping the extent of my failures. i was in the cold for over an hour i did everything but break the window and my key would not work. i want this badly and i want it for myself. i want to exclude everyone else and inundate myself as the leader of everything. permission is not required and i have to vie for it. i have to go out head up and shoulders back and beat it out one minute of my life after another. the complication to the fact is that i dont know if leaving was the right thing to do but after having my clothing freeze upon me it seemed like the only option. she gives me doubts.


the confession

i miss the way i felt when i was in control.

the confessor

1.9.09

What am i doing? What is my purpose? I am resolute, persistent, and worthy. I insist that I am nothing more than the deeply conflicted man I claimed to be.Even more so now. I am increasingly finding that you are not what you claimed to be. I am unsure as to the reason no the idea or impression rather. Thatyou gave me that your love was absolute. I am tried and I have been proven true. you are however sinking further into the guilt of who you truly are. Selfish men play the part of the used I have never seen it played so well by a woman. I have for so long been impressed by your status. I have for so long adored the self righteous. I am now however in a all too familiar position. I am so thoroughly disappointed with the current dilemma that is the vagrancy of my life. I am only holding on for more air because of you, compounded by the fact that I have a 2 year old son who will always think of me as a nothing and a nobody, because in fact that is what I am slowly becoming. Can you despise me as much as I despise myself. I look upon the looming wheel that is carrying the axe that is going to chop us apart and I face it. I face it without fear and with the knowledge that I held on for to long looking for too much and expecting something from someone who is incapable of giving it to me. I understood when I received you at CHI that I was failing myself yet another time. I hide so much from you and do so because I don't feel as though you are worthy of knowing how I am truly fading. How I have lost all confidence in your faithfulness, and could not be further away emotionally than I am now. I am forcefully pulling away and you do not want to hold on. Its marriage today and out of my car later in the evening. How can you say you love me? I see the way you smile when someone says HI to you. I see the look of disgust in your eyes when I tell you that your beautiful. Im so looking for the answers and I wish someone would hand me a magic key. I cannot unlock the wrongs you have bolted into my heart. I can not justify the agony of each kiss and the tremble in my bones I feel from the fear of I Love You. I wish I could just turn you off. I wanted to give you so much and I am in a tailspin. I am unsure of your actions or reasoning and am unsure of my reason for being. I am completely disturbed at this moment. I am so tired of hearing your garbage ass trash talk about yourself, and your so selfish threats to end it all. You are blind to what you really are and you are blind to those of us who would die a million horrific deaths and dismemberments just so that you would not have to know what pain truly is. I would love to have a family with the beautiful open minded easy going loyal girl that I first fell in love with. But she is lost to me. Albeit my fault Im sure, she has forever disappeared. I will never be able to see that in you again and that scares the hell out of me. I am considered by all that know me as a polite respectful loyal dude and I am considered by all that are jealous of me as a dry, cocky , disobedient savaunt who is inconsiderate and rude. I am whatever you need to make me out as. I am the finger man the fall guy the patsy. You can blame me, I will shoulder your guilt. I have practice from carrying my own. I consider myself to be worthless, disfunctional, unfounded, caged, forward, progressive, misunderstood. I feel envied because I dont let it hold me back. I feel vibrant when I just say what I feel. I am principled and ethical and am progressive. I dont always agree with status- quo and will never beleive that you have to fall in line with the 90 percent of americans that do. Revolution and change has always been brought by the minority and I am calling for a rise against the accepted and no matter how futile it is I live with myself, and I cant do that knowing that I shut my mouth and changed my way of thinking and turned into an automaton.Ants live a directed scripted life. I am not an insect. I will say what I am feeling and give my opinion and if you dont like it, give me yours. And if i dont like it then guess what you stupid motherfucker we have different opinions. It doesnt make me fucking better or lesser than you. It just means we god damn disagree. I am ranting and I am sorry.  Im malnourished in the conversation department because we cant have intellectual stimulating talks without you turning it into something bad. I am physically disconnected from you. I am so far emotionally gone that I am considering making another huge mistake. I can not afford to do so. I want for you so badly to be the mother I know you will be, I want nothing more than for you to realize your beauty. You are my hero undoubtedly. I am pressed to move on.

The Confession 

I am sleeping on the couch tonight of my own valition, so that maybe you will realize that which is looming so close to your neck.

The Confessor

1.7.08

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1.6.08

i try to be involved i try to feel connected

the confession
id rather not be of flesh as i would prefer to be a cold stone

The Confessor

1.5.09

Happy Whatever.....

My G turns @ in a few days and I already know that I wont be able to talk to him.
Why does she have to be one of these bitches that just because we are not together I cant have contact with my kid???

I hope her new husband to be beats the shit out of her, so she can actually know what spouse abuse is.

I really have nothing left but disgust for her.


The Confessor