12.10.08

i am sitting alone in my apartment. not entirely true the cat is present. i called my father today and i confessed to him that my girl is taking care of me and she is. i have a horrible job and pay more than 50 percent child support for one child. i dont know an address to mail him a letter but the state takes my money. i often cry when i am alone and no one knows this i cant control myself i try so hard to be sstrong but my exwife and current girlfriend have raped my heart and i am unsure just why i am deserving to even breathe. i regret ever compression of my chest. i have never wanted anything less than an idea family and i dont think i will ever have that im just a bad guy i guess. id love to one day by a rocket and fly it to the moon but it will never happen so i guess its time to stop reaching for the stars. i put an add up on craigslist for her and i know she reads them but she never emailed me on it i dont guess im doing a bad job hiding it. i love her more than i think i should and i want to make her my wife that should be my first clue......



so this is going to be my place to breathe and i will get it out and maybe it will lift all the way off my chest im tired of living two lifes one inside that is a broken tangled mess of a man and one thats outward and nothing more than a false shell of a broken crushed lost man.......